What is an “alpine divorce,” and where did the term originate?
When people talk about an “alpine divorce,” they’re usually picturing a scenario where you ditch your partner in the wilderness, maybe on a hike, rather than having an honest conversation to end things. The term’s origins can be traced to Robert Barr, a Canadian writer and his 1893 short story. The premise: a husband seeks to murder his wife and dissolve their marriage by pushing her off a mountain cliff during a hike in the Swiss Alps.
People often joke about “alpine divorces” online, but this behavior actually happens, with people leaving partners at train stations, airports, and bus stops all over the world. Avoiding hard conversations by creating physical or emotional distance between you and your partner is a real occurrence.
The specific location is almost beside the point when you examine the psychology at play. Regardless of the scenario, whether it involves a sudden relocation or a remote drop-off, the underlying action is the same: creating distance to sidestep difficult emotions and avoid confrontation.
Frankly, the “alpine” part is beside the point of an alpine divorce. It’s about avoidance.”
Are LGBTQ+ people more likely to engage in or experience “alpine divorce”?
LGBTQ+ people aren’t necessarily more likely to disappear on their partners than heterosexual people. However, depending on where they live, LGBTQ+ people may face more stressful conditions for their relationships. That can include a lack of acceptance from family or friends, geographic limitations, or smaller pools of people to date.
Those are all factors that can certainly amplify a relationship’s problems. But since avoiding communication is something that all people are capable of, it’s not uniquely queer to want to escape a bad situation.
At some point, all relationships face the same issues: how we communicate, our own inner conflicts, and the difficult decision of when to end things.
What is the psychology behind why someone would do this?
Avoiding conflict, confrontation, or simply the discomfort of a difficult conversation are all possible motivations for ditching a partner instead of telling them face-to-face that you don’t want to be with them anymore. No one wants to feel guilty, sad, angry, or disappointed by their partner—I get that.
But letting someone down slowly by creating distance, disappearing completely, or hoping they’ll just “get the hint” often allows the person who dumps their partner to avoid those feelings…until later.
Warning signs your partner might do something like this
Leaving your partner in the wilderness is extreme, and probably rarer than most of us think. Here are some signs that your partner might want to breakup with you via angry cold shoulder or exile:
· They won’t discuss the relationship.
· They shut down or withdraw when you try to talk.
· They make a surprise trip they won’t take you on.
· They bottle up their resentment until they explode.
· They avoid responsibility for their actions.
· “If your partner won’t take accountability for their behaviors, they may not take accountability for breaking up with you.”
How dangerous is an “alpine divorce”?
If we’re talking about literally leaving your partner in the wilderness, then yes, that can put someone in physical danger. Even if the abandonment involves a sudden drop-off in an unfamiliar place, it’s likely to be a deeply unsettling and potentially damaging experience.
“It’s emotionally abusive to leave someone without any explanation. In certain scenarios, the potential for harm also increases significantly.
What should you do if you think your partner might do this?
If you’re concerned your partner will suddenly ghost you or otherwise leave you without notice, try to avoid being alone with them in vulnerable situations. If they lash out, you don’t want to be left stranded somewhere you can’t get home, or stuck somewhere without your personal possessions.
You should also consider talking to friends, family, or a therapist if you’re worried your relationship is becoming unstable.
If your partner actually leaves you somewhere, what should you do?
Safety first. Should your partner leave you in a spot where you feel threatened, create space between you and that person as soon as possible. If your partner took you somewhere and left you, whether that’s across the country or just down the street, your first priority should be to get to a safe place. That may look like finding a public place you feel comfortable in, calling the police, or calling someone who can drive you home.
If you know you’ll be traveling, hiking, or going somewhere without other people with your partner (even if it’s just a date), there are additional safety steps you can take. Let a friend or family member know where you’ll be and how long you’ll be there, share your location with someone you trust, keep your phone charged, and have a way to access transportation or a dollar amount in your bank account you can withdraw in an emergency.
“I think it’s always good to practice safety measures when going somewhere remote or with a partner, even if you’re in a relationship where you feel comfortable.”
You can keep a loose grasp on cash on your person at all times, have a backup plan for contacting someone, and let someone know your whereabouts. Once you know you’re safe, seek support. Ending up in a situation where you’re alone and emotionally compromised can be traumatizing. You may feel silly or embarrassed but disenrolling alone can trigger a lot of emotions, from confusion to fear to anger to sadness.
Talk to trusted friends or family about what happened, or see a therapist. If your partner is breaking up with you, you may also want to seek legal support. Especially if you’re married or have any joint finances, living arrangements, or connected accounts.
Ending a relationship by putting your partner’s safety at risk is abusive.
“No one deserves to have their partner leave them high and dry, literally or figuratively.”
Focus on you. You deserve to feel safe and supported.
If someone is having thoughts about ending a relationship this way
If the only exit strategy involves pushing your partner out, vanishing, or physically distancing yourself, please stop and reflect. Talk to someone about how you’re feeling. A therapist, friend, or family member can help you navigate your relationship or breakup in a way that won’t leave your partner scrambling to understand what they did wrong.
“This isn’t a gentle way to break up with someone. When the goal is to wound your partner, this approach certainly achieves it.
Breakups can be hard; you’re not just losing that person, you’re losing the idea of your future together, your routines, your shared friends, all of the time and emotional energy you invested in each other. So, it makes sense that some people would want to avoid breaking up face-to-face. Avoidance can feel like self-preservation: If you don’t have the conversation, maybe you can avoid hurting anyone’s feelings. But avoiding a breakup almost never spares someone from feeling hurt.
If you end things gently and with honesty, both parties can recognize what the relationship was and what it’s no longer. Sure, it’s still going to hurt, but at least you both have the chance to know what happened and can move forward with your dignity intact. Avoiding that conversation and breaking up by ghosting, disappearing, or otherwise abandoning someone only leaves them wondering and confused, in unsafe situations on top of their heartbreak.
