Jem Hilborn

I help individuals and couples get clear about what they want in their relationships, in their sexuality, and in who they’re becoming, so they can live more authentically.

Many people believe the hardest part of going after what they want is finding the courage to say it out loud. Often, the more impactful step comes earlier. Taking the time to define what you truly want, what would actually bring you more happiness, is harder than it sounds. And more valuable than most people expect.

My work is informed by a systemic lens. That means I pay attention to the water you’ve been swimming in: how your family, culture, and relationships shaped what you believe about yourself, about intimacy, and about what you’re allowed to want. A lot of what feels like a personal failing is actually an inherited script. Together, we figure out which parts fit and which ones you’re ready to put down.

In my relational and individual work, I address concerns inside and outside of the bedroom. In our sessions, we can work through desire discrepancy (the difference in sexual desire between partners), building and restoring intimacy and trust, expanding sexual preferences, opening up the relationship, kink/BDSM, parenting, and familial concerns. We can also discuss body image, self-love, shame, pleasure, burnout, imposter syndrome, and cultural identity.

My approach is warm, curious, compassionate, and sometimes humorous or direct. I aim to create a space where clients can speak openly about desire, identity, power, shame, and the expectations we put on ourselves. So many of us needlessly navigate life’s difficulties alone. We assume we can handle it ourselves, that it’s our responsibility, or that we should already know how. We don’t. And we don’t have to carry this stuff alone.

Before becoming a therapist, I spent many years working in tech, which gives me particular insight into burnout and the pressures many thoughtful, curious, and high-achieving people carry. As a mixed-race person (half-Japanese, half-white), I bring a personal understanding of what it’s like to navigate between cultures and the different scripts each one hands you about identity, belonging, and what’s allowed. As a parent, I also understand how relationships, identity, and intimacy shift alongside the realities of raising children and caring for aging family members. Whatever brings you here, you don’t have to have it figured out before you reach out. That’s kind of the whole point.